Hello Pandora fans
Hello Pandora fans
Hello Pandora fans
We’re riding back to the moon and back
I said, hello Pandora fans
We’re riding back to the borderlands
Every brilliant story begins with a vault
And if this is familiar, well it isn’t my fault
This vault was a rumour full of fat loot, sir
Sit back, bun a fat zoot and let me ask you
What would you do for such spoils and plunder?
Would you face pain, shame, flame, cold and hunger?
Assault whole bunkers, wholly outnumbered?
If you answered “Yes” to all of the above
Then you’re a vault hunter, see?
You’re hardly an angel
Leave that to the guardian angel
The key to the vault is your grail
Better get the pieces if you falter, you fail
Your goal is to dwell in this world and inhale
Up a whole different way of living
Ultimate sell: with the screws and the nuts
And the bolts and the nails
And the rust and the dust
And the road and the rail
This is paradise lost and you’re going to hell
With eighty-seven bazillion volts in your tail
Now let me tell you the revoltingest tale
Full of mudslinging, salt and betrayal
Hop on the carousel and keep a hold of yourself
‘Cause the slower you roll then the colder the trail
Oi Patricia Tannis can you tell us what the plan is
‘Cause it’s as if we cannot trust anybody on the planet
You’re a hell of a fierce woman, Helena Pierce
Couldn’t tell if your tears were really steaming your goggles
But not everything is as it appears, as your Pandora peers
We should have seen you were trouble
See now you’ve got the vault key, seems your plan’s faulty
It’s about to be stole by the Crimson Lance, oh jeez
So who’s the vermin agent that’s commanding them to steal?
Got to be nominative determination it’s Commandant Steele
It’s time to clap back so I call up Claptrap
He’s like, “What’s that in the back?” This track slaps
It’s like crack, you can’t get enough of it
Couple lines of filler dropping bars for the uff of it
To flourish here got to be hard, toughen up a bit
Borderlands is my jam and I’m loving it
Giving no fucks, open that vault up
Hold up, something’s holed up, whoa oh fuck
Stop the clocks
The status quo is broken
Stop all the clocks
Pandora’s box is open
Stop the clocks
The status quo is broken
Stop all the clocks
Pandora’s box is open
Whoops, you popped the vault’s cherry
Unsettling what was all buried
Scary monsters, got to get rid of them, what’s left?
A big bukkake of Eridium
Ready for the cleanup, by even badder criminals
How can you beat them, you don’t even have the minerals?
You’re dealing with the pinnacle, trust
Killing all you little fools, minimal fuss
Hyperion, he’s really running militantly tyranny
By getting the Eridium by any necessary means
It’s Handsome Jack with the rapid expansion
Got to keep topping that financial stack
So let’s cancel that, take his mansion back
Have him living in a council flat
No sanctuary, nah, this is our domain
Safe space from which we dish out the pain
Crimson raiders kill invaders
Been doing this thing for ages
Like it isn’t dangerous
Didn’t think our little angel traitorous
Till the day that she betrayed us
Base incinerated, but then Lilith saved it
‘Cause it is a spaceship, this is just the beginning page
Good gracious, what an outrageous play, Mr Shakespeare
Who the heck’s stepping up next to the stage? It’s…
A young lady, you might have seen her
She’s a pyromaniac, it’s Tiny Tina
About as far from a ballerina, you could find
Serving up havoc like subpoenas
Now we’re really getting manic with the beer-bellied mechanic
And it’s Ellie twisting spanners like tagliatelle metallic
And everybody who inhabits the planet’s in panicked shock
Except perhaps one man, that’s Sir Hammerlock
Have a look through the binoculars
His lens even blurrier than Oculus
Got arms all around like an octopus
Stop popping off shots at the populace
And now Moxxi’s mad, I’ll have what she had
Unless oxycontin, I do not need that
She’s a cosplay hottie, fact
But how’s anybody going to top these hats
Nevermind that, got to stop these prats
So fucking give us back that vault key, Jack
Better not wake up that rock creature
For a handsome man, you’re an ugly chap
Well imagine my shock, final boss, beat that
Clichéd ending, predictable plot piece, ah
Wait a fricking minute, look, what’s this map?
No rest for the wicked, huh? Cut to black
Seems time has stopped
Tock, tick, rewind the clocks
Tock, tick, t-minus nought
Tock, lunar tick
Back to the moon and back
Off to the moon and it’s full of lunatics
Scavs, miners, archaeologists, and fugitives
The lifestyle under Dahl’s rather punitive
Inclusively, like a unisex crucifix
And this human intervention was the Eucharist
Mother nature doesn’t take to getting two fingers
In the crater, like you wouldn’t lose your shit
So as soon as it went boom and split
The crackening was happening and Jack? He knew to get
To the tip then he’d have to become ruthless
Under the tutelage, of an abusive bitch
But he got used to it, gave it a new twist
Like people who call “nuclear”, “nucular”
So close yet removed from the nucleus
No nuclear family, youth was unhappy
Reduced him to angry, then dude killed his granny
Established a pattern, he whacked off his manager
But not by wanking, no Jack toppled Tassiter
Grabbing his throat, he strangled the bastard
Look still got his trophy goatee, have a look
Now he’s shaking up in Helios
That nobody covets so much as the legion does
They capture it, Jacks’ a bit miffed, understandably
So he sends some mercenaries into low gravity
Ramming deep down underground, cleaning cavities
Like a gang of dentists, sent to depravity
Yeah, he might be training up an army of robots
But if they’re not harming you, so what? Don’t knock
It’s not notable enough to remark upon
So shut up, lock targets on Zarpedon
Then choose to pop open that vault
If you don’t know Jack that’s your own damn fault
Watch the clock
Tick, tock, tick, tock
Watch the clock
What time you clocking off?
Watch the clock
Tick, tock, tick, tock
Watch the clock
Sleeves up, watches off
Rhys’ peace is about to crack
When he sees a key up for grabs on the black market
I’ll take that thank you
Now Rhys is a man bankrupt
Bad luck, damn if only he’d have known
It was bogus, a phoney, a hoax, he’d have ganged up
With Fiona the chancer, she knows every scam ever wrote
In the damn book going to get, going to get, going to get that money back
But I can’t get you out of my head, not funny jack
Progress slower than a tortoise walks
Until the Gortys core showed them vaults galore
Shore to shore, I’m sure I said it already but I’ll say it again:
So many there’s a Smorgasbord, awkward dork
But when you’re hijacked by jack
Both boys and girls will be behind like a bike rack
I don’t wanna be Handsome Jack’s puppet
So there’s only one answer, that’s “fuck it”
Bring the whole thing down, crashing to the surface
Looking back, life now has a bigger purpose
Cash is fricking worthless unless it can be spent
Fed up of living life at like seventy per cent
Hope you’re ready for the next episode, oi, oi, oi, oi!
Smoke skags every day
But wait, there’s more! Gracious Lord
We’ve awakened an ancient force
Lilith and the Raiders have brought the vault map
But Dahl have attacked and they won’t pull back
Dropping gas, whole place getting jacked like the 8th Hawk
Better get away and escape with a phasewalk
Save Vaughn from infected bandits
So we can gather samples and invent the antidote
Tannis isn’t at a level at which she can master this
So Cassius asks them if they’ll acid trip
To the mountain but who’s that? Talon
Mordecai’s in trouble, get the Moonshot Cannon
Ramming into Helios, so get packing
To meet a boss we believe is from Saturn
Take pieces of it, yeah pull them out of Uranus
The power contained within, it’s bloody outrageous
I guess this infection’s affecting us a lot
Being heckled by Hector is messing up the plot
Better stop that man while we can, while we’ve got a chance
Because his plants are buggering up our plans
Just look at his lab, it’s full of failed experiments
Hypothesis: what a prick, here’s the evidence
Now Cassius is overcome with nastiness
So perhaps the vaccine is within his ass, in fact it is
Let’s get extracting it, and then go back to Sanctuary
The place stinks like an outdated pack of anchovies
Lilith goes ham, completely tearing up the place
Borderlands need saving for yet another day